Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
