wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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