Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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