so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
