I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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