So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
