watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
