So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
