I think my fart just growled at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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