When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
