Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
