I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
