You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
