Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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