Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
