I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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