why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
