How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
