I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
