the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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