I think I died a long time ago.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He passed out mid-signature
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
