We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
