I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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