He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
