I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
