Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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