she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
