i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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