also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
