You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
