Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
