my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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