He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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