The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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