Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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