remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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