new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
