I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
