you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
