i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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