I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
