Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
