There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You ruined the universe
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
