maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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