I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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