I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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