3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
