Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
