3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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