If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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