while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
