The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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