the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
