Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
