he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
