Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
